I had a tonsillectomy last week and as per the doctor's recommendation, have had this entire week off. The timing was certainly sovereign and needed. I have been spending some very intentional and much-needed one-on-one time with Jesus all week. Lately I have been realizing that I am a very task-oriented person. When there is a problem, I want to fix it. When I start something, I want to finish it in one sitting. When I have multiple things to do, I must have a list, or I am completely overwhelmed. I think this is the way I have handled my grief too... viewing it as tasks to overcome. It is very hard for me to admit that I am being overcome by something, whether that be keeping my house clean, holding onto bitterness, or drowning in sorrow. Nevertheless those things do overcome me at times, and I am learning more and more to hand them over to the LORD right away rather than trying to resist them and win in my own power. I am learning more and more my weakness and GOD's strength. In fact, GOD is all strength. How silly of me to ever think I could do a better job of fixing something without Him.
I think I have been approaching this whole grief thing in a very task-oriented way too... In the first couple months there were so things that needed to be tended to... a funeral service to plan, bills to pay, names to change, certificates to be sent off, insurance to deal with, things to schedule, belongings to sort and organize. I was good at getting those things done. Every time I could check another miserable task off my list I felt like I was making progress. Then I think I progressed into the "just stay busy" stage. And boy have I been busy. In the past 9 months I think I've done more trips and visiting and ministry than I've ever done. Along with working nearly full-time and deciding to stay at my own house and take care of it, I'm occupied nearly all the time. Granted, I know many people have much more packed schedules than I do, but as many of you in the early stages of losing someone know, grieving in and of itself is a pretty full-time deal. I am exhausted and have been for a while. But I know that they who wait upon the LORD will renew their strength and soar on wings as eagles (Isaiah 40). I'm waiting LORD. Waiting for renewed strength. I want to honor you and continue to serve you with gladness. More than a revelation of your plan I am waiting for more revelations of you. You satisfy LORD, deeply and completely and joyously.
1 Chronicles 16:11
Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!
Isaiah 55:2-3
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
listen, that you may live.
I am now starting to realize that with most of the practical, miserable tasks behind me, the grief work ahead of me is now emotional. This is the thing that has really thrown me for a loop. I don't know how to fix this. It is not something that I can look at and clearly say, "I'm finished. I can check that off the list." Maybe I will be able to someday do that in retrospect; I don't know, but not now. But this is the task God has given me. This is the burden He has asked me to carry. Sometimes it is heavy, but it is strengthening my heart and my muscles and my very bones to go to the high places with Him. And I know when I get to those places, wherever they may be, and I see all that He has done down in this valley, it will be worth it, and there will not be an ounce of regret.
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Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
Just Being Honest
Once again, there has been some delay since I last blogged. Not for lack of writing, for I have done my fair share of journaling these days, but more for lack of coherent thought. The truth is this grief process is messy. It is unpredictable and up and down. It is not something I can exactly define or anticipate, but GOD has designed and ordained it that way. Grief has been ingeniously designed by our Creator to make us more dependent on Him and more like the people He intends for us to be. It is exhausting to be sure, and painful, but boy is it sanctifying. So forgive me once again for the delay in writing. I intend to do a lot more sharing in the near future, LORD-willing, even if sometimes that means sharing pain and questions. GOD is not threatened by those things. He is not threatened by anything.
It has now been over nine months since Jake's death. In some ways that nine months has flown by, in other ways it feels like so much has happened that I haven't been able to share with him. In this nine months the LORD has been true to His Word. He has been close to me, the brokenhearted (Psalm 34) and has saved me when I am crushed in spirit. He has been with me as I learned to pay bills, make dinner and shop for one, live on my own, sort through Jake's things. He has taught me and grown me so much, and yet the truth is, the last month or so has probably been one of the hardest times on my grief journey. It has completely blindsided me. I guess I was expecting this to happen. I was waiting for the moment I have heard about when everything finally hits, when you realize that your whole life has changed and things will never be the way they once were. I knew it was coming. I just didn't know it would come so hard, and with so little warning.
It has now been over nine months since Jake's death. In some ways that nine months has flown by, in other ways it feels like so much has happened that I haven't been able to share with him. In this nine months the LORD has been true to His Word. He has been close to me, the brokenhearted (Psalm 34) and has saved me when I am crushed in spirit. He has been with me as I learned to pay bills, make dinner and shop for one, live on my own, sort through Jake's things. He has taught me and grown me so much, and yet the truth is, the last month or so has probably been one of the hardest times on my grief journey. It has completely blindsided me. I guess I was expecting this to happen. I was waiting for the moment I have heard about when everything finally hits, when you realize that your whole life has changed and things will never be the way they once were. I knew it was coming. I just didn't know it would come so hard, and with so little warning.
Friday, February 24, 2012
My Story- for His Glory
Hello Friends,
I realize it's been a while since I last wrote. In lieu of this delay in posting, I'm about to add a pretty extensive amount of reading material. :) I was asked to share this week at Refuge, the college age ministry at my church, which my husband Jake and I were heavily involved in (http://www.refugecam.com/). This was the first time I was able to share the really nitty gritty details of my testimony with a large group of people. It was difficult to do, but I am always grateful when people ask me to share. First, because it forces me to reflect on what GOD has done in my life, which is always encouraging to me. And secondly, because I believe GOD has given me this story not merely for my own benefit but for the benefit of others and for His glory (2 Cor. 1). I rejoice in getting to proclaim His faithfulness. This testimony came as part of a series my college pastor is preaching called "The Wandering," in which we are following the Israelite's journey through the desert after their exodus from Egypt. I have been meditating on this idea for several months now, ever since a friend (my pastor's wife) taught on the matter at a Widow's conference I attended in October. I was so encouraged and blown away seeing the parallels between the Israelites' journey and my own, and the lessons that GOD was teaching them at every turn. I hope to write about each of the stops and share the parallels with you throughout my own journey.
I think some background on this week's text will help you better understand certain references in my testimony. This week we discussed the Israelite's stop in Marah (found in Exodus15), which comes shortly after the LORD's deliverance of them from the hands of the Egyptians at the Red Sea. Prior to Marah, the Israelites had been rejoicing greatly at the mighty works of the LORD, singing His praises and declaring His goodness to them. But they were, as are we, so quick to forget and soon began grumbling at the LORD as they thirsted for water for three days. They had thought they would find water that would quench them at Marah, but when they arrived they found it bitter and not fit for drinking. And so they continued to grumble, until GOD instructed Moses to take a branch and stir it in the water to make the water sweet. And sweet it became, and GOD satisfied their need. There are several lessons in this leg of the journey. First and perhaps most obvious is that GOD is able to take the bitter things in our lives and make them sweet. I can attest to this. But below the surface of the water we see that GOD was revealing the bitterness of the Israelites' own hearts, which only the LORD is able to cleanse and make sweet. We are so quick to grumble at the LORD when we face bitterness and thirst, and often we seek mirages and false promises of satisfaction at Marahs rather than waiting on Jesus, the living water. I hope you see the LORD's goodness as you read about my own desert journey and the sweetness that He has given me in the midst of it:
I realize it's been a while since I last wrote. In lieu of this delay in posting, I'm about to add a pretty extensive amount of reading material. :) I was asked to share this week at Refuge, the college age ministry at my church, which my husband Jake and I were heavily involved in (http://www.refugecam.com/). This was the first time I was able to share the really nitty gritty details of my testimony with a large group of people. It was difficult to do, but I am always grateful when people ask me to share. First, because it forces me to reflect on what GOD has done in my life, which is always encouraging to me. And secondly, because I believe GOD has given me this story not merely for my own benefit but for the benefit of others and for His glory (2 Cor. 1). I rejoice in getting to proclaim His faithfulness. This testimony came as part of a series my college pastor is preaching called "The Wandering," in which we are following the Israelite's journey through the desert after their exodus from Egypt. I have been meditating on this idea for several months now, ever since a friend (my pastor's wife) taught on the matter at a Widow's conference I attended in October. I was so encouraged and blown away seeing the parallels between the Israelites' journey and my own, and the lessons that GOD was teaching them at every turn. I hope to write about each of the stops and share the parallels with you throughout my own journey.
I think some background on this week's text will help you better understand certain references in my testimony. This week we discussed the Israelite's stop in Marah (found in Exodus15), which comes shortly after the LORD's deliverance of them from the hands of the Egyptians at the Red Sea. Prior to Marah, the Israelites had been rejoicing greatly at the mighty works of the LORD, singing His praises and declaring His goodness to them. But they were, as are we, so quick to forget and soon began grumbling at the LORD as they thirsted for water for three days. They had thought they would find water that would quench them at Marah, but when they arrived they found it bitter and not fit for drinking. And so they continued to grumble, until GOD instructed Moses to take a branch and stir it in the water to make the water sweet. And sweet it became, and GOD satisfied their need. There are several lessons in this leg of the journey. First and perhaps most obvious is that GOD is able to take the bitter things in our lives and make them sweet. I can attest to this. But below the surface of the water we see that GOD was revealing the bitterness of the Israelites' own hearts, which only the LORD is able to cleanse and make sweet. We are so quick to grumble at the LORD when we face bitterness and thirst, and often we seek mirages and false promises of satisfaction at Marahs rather than waiting on Jesus, the living water. I hope you see the LORD's goodness as you read about my own desert journey and the sweetness that He has given me in the midst of it:
Friday, February 3, 2012
Jesus is Greater
So today I was doing a little reflecting and looking through past journal entries and came across the one below. It encouraged me this morning as I was confessing sin and preparing myself for a weekend of discipling high school girls at my church. I hope it encourages some of you as well. Jesus is so much greater and more powerful than our sin, and His truth sets us free:
8/18/11
June 27, 2011. Jake Fowler, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first love, my husband, died.
June 27, 2011. Jake Fowler, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first love, my husband, died.
Today, I am single. I am alone.
These statements are hard to swallow, and sometimes I say them to myself in order to avoid “denial,” but in reality, each of them is only a half-truth, if such a thing exists. For Jake did not die but lives on in the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And today I remain a bride, betrothed to Christ, awaiting and preparing for the day when my Bridegroom will return for me. And I AM NOT ALONE, for the LORD, the I AM, is constant; He is with me always. Of these complete truths I am more convinced than ever, more convinced than I was even on my wedding day when the picture was so clear. The reality is so much clearer now that the picture has been ripped away and I have only the reality to look to. I am thankful for this clarity, despite what it took to bring it about. That is not to say that I don’t still experience pain and hurt over what I have lost. But praise God, I can look at that loss through the eyes of Christ, through the mind of Christ. “But we have the mind of Christ.” 1 Cor. 2:16. I have found in these days that the battle of the mind is the battle I have had to fight most diligently and fervently. I fight for complete truth in my thoughts. I war against the half-truths that people sometimes share to comfort us, for although those words may bring momentary comfort, only the truth will set me free. Only THE Truth, Jesus, the Word become flesh, will bring me healing. I do not want to fill my mind with things that would allow me to justify my sin. Hurt and pain and broken-heartedness is no excuse to sin before the LORD, and no sin against Almighty God is excusable.
These statements are hard to swallow, and sometimes I say them to myself in order to avoid “denial,” but in reality, each of them is only a half-truth, if such a thing exists. For Jake did not die but lives on in the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And today I remain a bride, betrothed to Christ, awaiting and preparing for the day when my Bridegroom will return for me. And I AM NOT ALONE, for the LORD, the I AM, is constant; He is with me always. Of these complete truths I am more convinced than ever, more convinced than I was even on my wedding day when the picture was so clear. The reality is so much clearer now that the picture has been ripped away and I have only the reality to look to. I am thankful for this clarity, despite what it took to bring it about. That is not to say that I don’t still experience pain and hurt over what I have lost. But praise God, I can look at that loss through the eyes of Christ, through the mind of Christ. “But we have the mind of Christ.” 1 Cor. 2:16. I have found in these days that the battle of the mind is the battle I have had to fight most diligently and fervently. I fight for complete truth in my thoughts. I war against the half-truths that people sometimes share to comfort us, for although those words may bring momentary comfort, only the truth will set me free. Only THE Truth, Jesus, the Word become flesh, will bring me healing. I do not want to fill my mind with things that would allow me to justify my sin. Hurt and pain and broken-heartedness is no excuse to sin before the LORD, and no sin against Almighty God is excusable.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
The Joy of the LORD is my Strength
In the past, whenever I have started a new journal I would take the first page and write out or draw a meaningful Bible verse or phrase on it. My most recent journal, which I started about 6 months before Jake's passing, opened with, "The Joy of the LORD is my Strength." I always liked the sound of that verse, but I wrote it as a reminder to meditate upon it. I couldn't really wrap my mind around the idea of HIS JOY being MY STRENGTH... at least I couldn't until today. It is crazy and beautiful the way the LORD uses pain to open our eyes to truth.
Today as I drove to the store to buy wedding gifts for yet another bridal shower (the third one I have attended since Jake's death), I was blindsided by an onslaught of emotion. I could not get Jake, or the day of his death, or the hopes and dreams I had held at my own wedding, or the following months of utter confusion and pain out of my head. And wouldn't you know it, today of all days, on the drive to and from the store I drove past at least three screaming fire trucks and ambulances. All of this, along with the fact that yesterday marked the seventh month of my widowhood, compounded to make me an emotional wreck. As I ordered pizza (my comfort food :) ) at a drive-thru on the way home I had to hold back tears just to answer the question, "Would like any Parmesan cheese with your order?" I felt utterly without strength, unsure how I could even drive home, let alone face an afternoon of smiles and bridal bliss. As I pulled into a spot in the parking lot and began to eat my food in the car, the LORD brought back that familiar phrase to my head: the joy of the LORD is my strength, and I think for the very first time I truly understood it. There I was: weak, helpless, confused at the strange turn of events my life has taken, but in me there remained joy, a joy that I cannot explain.
I sat for a moment and meditated on the Gospel, the News that is Good no matter what other news you have to face. I thought about the LORD's faithfulness to me for the past seven months and that even in this moment when I was feeling pitiful and lonely He was with me. He sees my broken heart. He WILL bind my wounds. One day He WILL make all things new. I thought about His vastness, how incomprehensible He is, how ALL of the plans He has for me are good and are for my good. And all these things filled me with great, unspeakable... joy. And in that joy I have strength. It may seem a small thing to some, but for me, the strength today to get out of bed, get dressed, and see other people is a mighty strength indeed. And it comes from Him, from the joy I have in Him. Without it I would truly be weak, despondent, ineffective for the kingdom. But with it I am mighty, mighty enough to attend bridal showers and be genuinely happy for my friends. A small victory, perhaps, but one that is completely the LORD's. My hope is in Him and His promises. My joy comes from Him. My strength is in the joy that He gives me!
Today as I drove to the store to buy wedding gifts for yet another bridal shower (the third one I have attended since Jake's death), I was blindsided by an onslaught of emotion. I could not get Jake, or the day of his death, or the hopes and dreams I had held at my own wedding, or the following months of utter confusion and pain out of my head. And wouldn't you know it, today of all days, on the drive to and from the store I drove past at least three screaming fire trucks and ambulances. All of this, along with the fact that yesterday marked the seventh month of my widowhood, compounded to make me an emotional wreck. As I ordered pizza (my comfort food :) ) at a drive-thru on the way home I had to hold back tears just to answer the question, "Would like any Parmesan cheese with your order?" I felt utterly without strength, unsure how I could even drive home, let alone face an afternoon of smiles and bridal bliss. As I pulled into a spot in the parking lot and began to eat my food in the car, the LORD brought back that familiar phrase to my head: the joy of the LORD is my strength, and I think for the very first time I truly understood it. There I was: weak, helpless, confused at the strange turn of events my life has taken, but in me there remained joy, a joy that I cannot explain.
I sat for a moment and meditated on the Gospel, the News that is Good no matter what other news you have to face. I thought about the LORD's faithfulness to me for the past seven months and that even in this moment when I was feeling pitiful and lonely He was with me. He sees my broken heart. He WILL bind my wounds. One day He WILL make all things new. I thought about His vastness, how incomprehensible He is, how ALL of the plans He has for me are good and are for my good. And all these things filled me with great, unspeakable... joy. And in that joy I have strength. It may seem a small thing to some, but for me, the strength today to get out of bed, get dressed, and see other people is a mighty strength indeed. And it comes from Him, from the joy I have in Him. Without it I would truly be weak, despondent, ineffective for the kingdom. But with it I am mighty, mighty enough to attend bridal showers and be genuinely happy for my friends. A small victory, perhaps, but one that is completely the LORD's. My hope is in Him and His promises. My joy comes from Him. My strength is in the joy that He gives me!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Beautiful
So, this afternoon I endeavoured once again to "tackle" my back bedroom. This is a task that I find myself doing fairly regularly. Mainly because no one really uses that room anymore and so that's where all the "extra" stuff seems to find its way to. Papers, craft stuff, Jake stuff. Where does all our extra "stuff" come from anyway? ... but that's another issue for another entry. What I meant to write is this:
As I was cleaning with my iPod on shuffle, a familiar chord rung in my ears. It's strange how such strong emotions and memories can be tied with a song. I think anyone who has experienced a profound loss knows this especially well. The song that now filled my ears would have once made my heart flutter and jump for joy, but today it carried with a weight that wasn't always there. The song is Phil Wickham's You're Beautiful. It's the song that I walked down the aisle to on my wedding day. As I sat on the floor of my extra bedroom with a mess all around me, half of it Jake's mess, the other half mine, it seemed to me a very poetic scene. I sat and relished in the fact that I serve a GOD who can take jumbled messes and make them into something... beautiful.
I thought also on this: that I am very very grateful that my husband and I were graced to be able to understand that our wedding day was not about us, nor was our marriage. I feel so blessed that we were able to approach and go through our wedding knowing that the ultimate purpose of it was to point others to the Good News of the Gospel, and that marriage was meant more for our holiness than our happiness. When I posted a picture of our wedding day to Facebook just three months before Jake went to be with the LORD, I wrote the following caption, "life is but a vapor, this wedding a shadow of things to come, this marriage a reflection of deeper truths!" How true that was when I wrote it, and how true it remains, though now it packs more of a punch... How thankful I am for truth that remains! Although Jake's vapor of a life has passed into eternity, Jesus is still beautiful. Although memories of my wedding now carry with them a sting, Jesus is still beautiful, and the Gospel is still true. In fact, the picture of Jesus loving His Bride that my husband and I were supposed to be painting for the world to see is even clearer to me now that the picture has been ripped away and I have only the reality to look to. I am thankful even for the sting now associated with weddings and all things bridal because that sting reminds me that they are just pictures, and it points me to the real thing. Christians, rejoice in your Bride status! One day our Prince will come for us. We'll enter into a place with no more suffering, no more death, and He Himself will wipe every tear from our eyes.
And He is and will be beautiful!
As I was cleaning with my iPod on shuffle, a familiar chord rung in my ears. It's strange how such strong emotions and memories can be tied with a song. I think anyone who has experienced a profound loss knows this especially well. The song that now filled my ears would have once made my heart flutter and jump for joy, but today it carried with a weight that wasn't always there. The song is Phil Wickham's You're Beautiful. It's the song that I walked down the aisle to on my wedding day. As I sat on the floor of my extra bedroom with a mess all around me, half of it Jake's mess, the other half mine, it seemed to me a very poetic scene. I sat and relished in the fact that I serve a GOD who can take jumbled messes and make them into something... beautiful.
I thought also on this: that I am very very grateful that my husband and I were graced to be able to understand that our wedding day was not about us, nor was our marriage. I feel so blessed that we were able to approach and go through our wedding knowing that the ultimate purpose of it was to point others to the Good News of the Gospel, and that marriage was meant more for our holiness than our happiness. When I posted a picture of our wedding day to Facebook just three months before Jake went to be with the LORD, I wrote the following caption, "life is but a vapor, this wedding a shadow of things to come, this marriage a reflection of deeper truths!" How true that was when I wrote it, and how true it remains, though now it packs more of a punch... How thankful I am for truth that remains! Although Jake's vapor of a life has passed into eternity, Jesus is still beautiful. Although memories of my wedding now carry with them a sting, Jesus is still beautiful, and the Gospel is still true. In fact, the picture of Jesus loving His Bride that my husband and I were supposed to be painting for the world to see is even clearer to me now that the picture has been ripped away and I have only the reality to look to. I am thankful even for the sting now associated with weddings and all things bridal because that sting reminds me that they are just pictures, and it points me to the real thing. Christians, rejoice in your Bride status! One day our Prince will come for us. We'll enter into a place with no more suffering, no more death, and He Himself will wipe every tear from our eyes.
And He is and will be beautiful!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Hello Blogging
I have been reminiscing on a great many things lately. Death tends to have that effect on us... We remember more. This has certainly been true of me in the last 6 months since my husband's death. I am starting this blog with the hopes that I'll be able to share what the LORD has done in my life, that you'll be able to remember with me. I also hope that it will bring to your remembrance His faithfulness in your own life. Many of my friends have been so very faithful in lifting me up without getting very much information back from me about how I am doing. Thank you for your faithfulness in prayer for me. I hope to offer you more information to that end through this blog. Bear with me as I figure out how this whole thing works. I hope to have lots of encouragement flowing your way soon as I begin to publish my last 6 months of journaling and reflecting for you all. Here's to remembering and making the most of every day. Happy reading!
"So teach us to number our days, that we may get a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12
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